“This boy actually has two penises.” 
Thinking back I should have phrased that better lmao.
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“Do you want to swap females for a breeding project?”
Good thing my wife understands
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I said,”My kid won’t eat so I have to options; boil a pinky or halved pinky.”
Fellow snake keeper/breeder,”Remember you can always try braining one.”
Friend that just walked in,”Wait, you have a kid, my pinky has a brain, and you are trying to feed one to the other? I feel like I am missing something.”
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Lol, this is great 
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Time to get the mouse pops and rat sickles out to feed the babies tonight.
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“Do we have to feed the babies tonight?” <—-sometimes ADHD and every other night crestie feedings are hard.
“Can you text Ray to see if he’s got any mediums?” <—referring to our wonderful reptile shop for rats.
“Peach flipped her bowl. I guess she didn’t want water.”
“Look at all the tiny baby poops!”
“They’re all in their tubes! 
”
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“Hey darlin, just hold my balls while I clean this glass”…
Open the door to the postman…
Postman: Pikachu face
Me: “what?..You never hang your balls around your neck?”
Wife walks in the room on facetime
Me: “does your mum want to see my…”
Ok that’s enough for tonight 
I make these jokes a lot 
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I forgot two!
When texting my bff: “show me your noods!”
Upon inviting my brother over for his favorite pasta dish: “come on! You can eat noodles then play with noodles!”
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My balls are being picky!
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“He just folds himself up like a shoelace. Stacked. And then wedges himself in the tube, it’s his favorite place.”
“Yeah lemme introduce you to my boy, we just gotta see if he wants to come out of his seedpod.”
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Not really reptile related but animal related.
“Yeah you can over and play with my kitty”
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Not so much something I’ve said, but something I’ve done. Buying wholesale sterilite bins even though everything I own is already stored. I buy so much sterilite that the only ads google ever shows me are sterilite ads
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“I know other people do it that way and that’s great for them, but I don’t plan to ‘pop’ the genitals from the body of anyone.”
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“Come hold this end for me so I can probe her to confirm she’s female.”
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I don’t worry about my kids escaping anymore since I built a rack to put them in.
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“So he did actually finally bite me- Well it was my own fault, my finger was in the way of his food- and it startled me but I looked at the spot and it was this little pinprick! He actually drew blood! I didn’t think he could manage that! I was SO PROUD!”
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“Hang on guys, I gotta go thaw a mouse. …Y’know, as you do.”
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“It’s so nice to have freezer space for my mice now!”
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“Shedding like that… it’s the equivalent of me climbing inside a suitcase and removing a full body stocking while INSIDE.”
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I jokingly say “That is some sexy wood”
My dad looks at me like I am some weirdo that picks up random snake and gets bit for fun… oh wait… and i quickly have to say “I am talking about the branches I am cooking in the oven”
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